Can't Sleep

So, last night I tried going to bed early (10pm) and failed. I did go to bed, however I tossed and turned the entire night and got very little sleep. Tonight is the complete oposite. One would think that I would be so tired from not getting much sleep the night before that I would just fall into an amazing slumber once my head hit the pillow. Not so much. I am very much awake (yet very much tired), but this brain of my mine is once again not turning off and I am left to my own. So, I have decided to write my thoughts. Probably very jumbled, but it is almost 1am and this is what is left. A pile of mish mash things and spilling out onto the computer. I need to keep a pad of paper by my bed, because i swear right before i fall asleep i get the most inspiring things (sometimes not the nicest) and quotes that i really need to start writting. I have so much to say and it always seems to come to me as I lie in my bed wishing for sleep to come faster.
Why is it that I want to sleep my issues/sadness/life away? Because even my dreams feel like reality lately. It's really driving me nuts. The other night I had a dream that I ran into Reid at a church I was visiting. Super weird. I haven't thought about him seriously in such a long time. It totally threw me for a loop. Then last night I think I had another one with the oh so wonderful broke my heart ex and his sister. That always brightens your day when you wake up to those and realize that it was a dream (or in last nights case, thankful). Really tired of dreams that feel like reality and then when you wake up you have to face the harsh reality of life and you actually are kind of longing for your dream, cause at least it was a little nicer and there was hope. There is no hope in my reality.
I held on to a false hope for awhile. Wishing and praying that things would have and might end up being different. But then that started drifting further out and now the pain of it has really settled and i hate it. I hate feeling like crap and I hate not having friends to help me. Lately it seems like all my friends have disappeared. They were friends for a short while and then when life got too busy or maybe hard they left. I'm waiting for the day when I can find true friends who won't wait for me to make a phone call or have everything planned out. Why can't I have some good, caring, loving friends? I feel like I've gone my whole life with crappy friends and I'm pretty much sick of it. I'm tired of being the one who puts all the effort into it. Friendship is not a one way street. And yet i keep finding the ones who think that. Maybe I need a criteria.
- not married
- lives in washington
- doesn't mind my craziness
- doesn't view friendship as something that they only benefit from.
- will put up with me through the crap and the not so crappy
(melinda you are the only one who has stayed with me - 20 years friend, lets make it 20 more! You are awesome and I can't wait for the week you are home)
I'm finding true friends hard to come by these days.
God what is the lesson you are continuely trying to teach me with crappy friends and ending relationships. The lesson of tearing people out of my life, I'm not a fan and I don't understand why it keeps happening? Please give me a little light on the reason. It has happened way too much and it hurts Lord and I'm tired of being stepped on, forgotten about and pushed to the side. Please help Lord.
And with that ranting, pleading and spilling of the heart I'm hopefully half way off to dream land....
Good night.....